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13.7.13

little notes for you.

Yesterday I held the tiniest, prettiest baby girl and my heart broke a little bit. I sat in my car and cried. For myself, for Landon, for loss, and for longing.

I don't really write about this often, though I'm not sure why. Maybe because it's the deepest thing in me, or maybe because I feel so open and exposed. Maybe because it's still sometimes the weirdest to admit that I'm a girl who has fertility problems.

Baby sad is the different kind of sad. My arms ache with emptiness of days, and months, and years we've waited for our baby. I've often imagined the moment I hold that baby in my arms, and all of these days, and months, and years will suddenly be clear and my heart will beat the way it's supposed to.

We miss you, baby. Come hang out soon.




14 comments:

robin said...

oh kate, i am thinking of you.

chelsea :: stock said...

<3

Ezra, Kian & Eden said...

Love you lady.

The Webbs said...

love you. i wish i could take away some of that pain my dear friend. when the day comes (soon) everything will be the best it possibly could be-and your saddness will be gone. love ya!!

Kathryn Melzer said...

life is poo sometimes - and I hope those babies jump down from heaven soon. One thing I do know is that eventually we will know why we had to endure (I'm quite certain that heaven will reveal many painful moments as protections in the grand scheme of things). And in the meantime - I've enjoyed watching you mother many children who have probably really needed an extra open heart. You are great.

Kathryn Melzer said...

Oh - but just so you know - although I know everything is part of a big plan - I cry too.

(I really should just stop typing - because I know you know all these things already too...you know?!)

Chelsea said...

oh my. this is so perfectly worded. It gave me tears and chills. My heart breaks for you, really truly. It is the most hopeless, empty feeling. I wish there was something I could do. But I do KNOW you will be a mother and soon.

Chelsea said...

p.s. keep writing about it. I've tried to block out so much and really wish I would have recorded every single step and awful detail along this path. At least in my own private way. I was kicking myself about it just the other night when I forgot so much about things I needed to know at my appt. with the new Dr.

ok, now please delete this one. ^

love you!

mad white woman said...

oh, my little dear. it's hard to share those deep feelings, but you do it so lovely and bravely and i think you should continue with it.

lauren said...

this made my heart break in two, kate. when you do get to be a mama, you will love those babies so fiercely and so fully. i think of you often, friend.

mary elizabeth said...

this. these words, its like you knew exactly what my heart is saying too. fertility issues are the worst, we've been trying for 2+ years now and man, its rough. but we keep on keepin' on and know that down the road it will be our turn too. thank you for sharing your beautiful words, you are a fantastic example to me.

kELLO! said...

i think of you often! sending some love

Geri Egbert said...

Sometimes it hits like a cement wall, doesn't it? Sometimes I can kind of put off that ache/desire, but then sometimes it hits so so hard.

I'm sorry. :(

sheena said...

xoxoxo