the space between hope and fear

A few weeks ago I woke up nervous. A feeling I've had more than a few times, a feeling I have when I'm going to a fertility appointment. This particular day was a follow up - of sorts. We were going to talk about possibilities of why the last round didn't work and what my steps were for further treatment.

I opened my mailbox before getting in my car and there is was. Our certification letter. The letter that says "Congratulations! You've been certified as acceptable to adopt a child..." We've waited for this letter for weeks (months...years...my whole life?) and I just... laughed. Hysterically laughed and laughed and then, of course, cried.

As my record would go, I sat across from my Doctor as he told me what treatment to try "and if  that doesn't work we'll try this" and on and on, and I felt so unbelievably overwhelmed. A grasp raised in my throat and I fought back tears, different tears than the tears earlier that day.

I got in the car and called my sister. I told her what my Dr said, I cried, I told her how I was feeling. Then I said "we got our letter this morning." She said "Kate, your voice changes when you talk about adoption." And it does. Completely and wholly changes. I feel calm. And loved. And heard. And patient. And willing. And everything I want to feel.

And all those feelings combined, every single one of those wonderful, heartbreaking feelings, tells me that this is that path that is right for our family. Man oh man oh man, I cannot wait.

Find us soon, baby, my arms feel heavy without you.


Last week marked a year since graduation. That fact sort of blew me away, one full year of post grad life- and a full year in real-grown-up jobs. Landon loves his job, although he told me yesterday that he's allergic to cubicles. He passed it EIT test in October (test 1 of 2 to become a professional engineer, he'll take the second after a few years experience) and was pretty stoked about it. I was managing at Anthropologie and got a promotion that moved me to a different store in January. I'd been working very part time for Jenny (of LGN) since she moved from New York in July and the week I switched stores- she asked me to come on full time. It was sort of crazy timing for both of us, and I stayed on at Anthro until march to ease the transition a bit. Now I'm with Jenny full time as her editorial assistant and I LOVE IT. This is dream job status and every day I leave work wondering how I got so lucky to be working with someone so insanely talented, so genuinely kind, and so dang funny. Not to mention I adore her 3 daughters and I'm greeted daily with a "Kaaaaate!" and a hug from the youngest- who often asks why I can't just live at their house. (Have you seen her home? I'd gladly move in.) We're still figuring out the transition from student to 9-5er but we're lucky that's it's been fairly smooth. (image from a project a few weeks ago)


fear not, little flock

one semester i had decided i would go to the temple every week. one day, sitting in white, waiting for my name to be called, i was reading in doctrine and covenants and read this 

"I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things. Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?  Therefore, fear not, little flock, do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail. Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not." 

in the moment i realized the emotion that had taken over my heart the past 4 years. fear. so much fear.  i've cried to Him countless times with empty and longing arms, with a broken heart and a beaten spirit. i've cried to Him while losing a pregnancy...then another...then another. but suddenly, sitting there, i wondered how could i feel  fear when my Heavenly Father had spoken to my heart so many times. He spoke peace. He spoke promise. i said the quietest and loudest prayer i've ever said, 

"what should i do?"


i'd thought about this before. always in a fleeting, distant moment, thinking it would never really happen. but goodness! i knew it then. it was written on my heart that day and it's never, ever leaving. 

so here comes a whirlwind of finishing school, moving back home, and starting new jobs but we are finally, FINALLY here. our paperwork is in and we are waiting for our certification letter. 

then we wait for our baby. our baby! 

all of this. every loss, every gain, every day... is leading us to this baby. i feel it. i can almost touch it. i've said this once and i'll say it again- i feel like the luckiest girl in the world. 

find us soon, baby. we love you.