works harder than my heart

from the bottom of my heart- thank you for all the sweet comments on my last post. every single one was comforting and loving and supportive, i love you all, i mean it.

this week is moving week. which means my house is messy. which means i'm grumpy. which means i hung up on lando on the phone yesterday. which means i called back 2 minutes later to say sorry.

as excited as i am to be in our new place, there are so many things i'm going to miss about living in plano, idaho (pronounced plain-oh) first and foremost: our ward, we LOVE our ward. we teach the 5 and 6 year olds, they have us nearly rolling on the floor laughing every week and i got a little teary last week when they were leaving. we asked the bishop if we could just stay and not tell anyone. another thing is i'll miss is how pretty the drive is (although i won't miss the drive itself.) i see moose at least twice a week, moose! there is a mama moose and two little babies (calves, dad?) that i see about once a week and they might be the cutest things ever! i drive past open snow covered fields and the snake river everyday. i'm greeted by two dogs everyday that are always happy to see me, i'll miss them, even though i still don't even know there names.

aside: i heard my land lord yelling the name "katie!" and saw both dogs bolt towards her voice when we first moved in. so i always assumed one of their names was katie. well, one day when i was leaving for work i yelled "katie" to find the pups so i could give them a little scratch goodbye. at the same time i yelled katie, the landlords daughter was walking out her car and she said "yeahhhhhh?" hesitantly. the daughters name is katie, not the dogs, faaaaaantastic. you know what they say about assuming.

and while there is a lot i'll miss, there is a lot i wont. i'll list a few, just so i don't seem too positive. the constant smell of horse poop, for one. or barely making it out of our slushy-snow-covered driveway every morning, field mice, barking dogs, carpeted bathrooms, frozen pipes and zero storage.

i'll post some photos (of course) of the new place once we're settled.

happy weekend!

postcards from far away

i always start to talk (er, type) about this on my blog, but i always pause before i press publish because i'm embarrassed i'm sharing too much information, being to emotional, or worried it sounds like i'm out for sympathy. it's my blog though right? right. it's a word that still hard for me to say out loud and when i do i try really hard to keep the tears from coming.

miscarriage.

i don't even like to type it. i've had a few posts about it here and there but they fail in comparison to how often i think about it. every single day. i had someone tell me that women who have miscarriages need to "get over it." i'm not sure i'll ever get over it. maybe when i find out i'm pregnant again, maybe when i'm past the 12 weeks, maybe when i hold my baby, maybe never. and probably never. every week is a reminder of where i would have been, 24 weeks today, crazy. when i went to the doctor they weren't sure if i was going to miscarry yet and he said to wait it out. those few days were filled with up's and down's like i'd never known. i either felt completely hopeful or completely devastated. thinking of the emotional and physical pain (no one tells you about that part) i felt those few long days makes my stomach hurt. because i can remember those feelings so strongly i know it'll be a long time before i "get over it." but enough with that and onto another word.

baby.

that word fills me with so much hope and so much excitement and so much wonder. going through this has made the need for a baby so much different. i don't feel anxious or impatient, just hopeful and excited. okay maybe a little bit impatient because let's be honest- a lines baby will be fly.

a short silence that followed a long conversation

the youngest sister, boris. her given name is laura maria but we all call her boris. she just got accepted to byu-i and is coming next fall! hooray, hooray! i cannot wait!

i'm still listening to little women. (in fact, i've limited listening to either the drive to work or the drive home and not both because i don't want it to be over yet.) "i could never love anyone like i love my sisters" and i couldn't. i can't really explain the love i have for my sisters and there isn't a word to describe it. we are bonded by equal parts love and heartbreak, equal parts a mother and a father, equal parts uncannily similar and completely different. they make me laugh or cry in one sitting and usually one because of the other. i've born my innermost feelings to them and been returned with the telling of their most appalling secrets. i am so proud of the lives my sisters lead. i love them for their strength and i love them for their weaknesses. i'm completely and utterly myself when with my sisters and they themselves with me. sometimes my sisters call me to tell me that they tripped in front of their neighbor and awkwardly recovered while holding back tears and we laugh for 10 minutes straight. sometimes i call them to cry because someone else made an announcement of something i want so badly and don't have and they are always there ready to pick me up when i feel broken.

"i could never love anyone as i love my sisters."

i love you, sisters.

now my feet won't touch the ground, now my head won't stop*

today:
i cut bangs and suddenly i feel like rapunzel or something!
i went on a jog and listened to coldplay**.
i got all weepy again over this news from a dear friend, i'm so happy for them.
brandilyn gave me a sweater and a shirt. and i love them!
we had a sammy's date. mmmmm pie shakes.

this week at work:
a man brought me desert.
another man asked how old i was then said "i just broke up with a 22 year old" ....... good for you.
a grumpy lady got mad at me.
a grumpy man got mad at me.
i wore a blazer that's 3 sizes to big for me.
someone said "you look like a kate because your hair is reddish" alright.

tomorrow:
we're hiking again, praise be!

* + ** despite where my last post may have left you: coldplay is my favorite band of all time (but oh my goodness have you heard the coldplay + jay-z song lost+? ah-freaking-mazing.)

whas crackin boo?

crap. you guys. i might like justin beiber... and i might want to see his movie.

we'll just add him to my slightly embarrassing supa fly obsession with *usher, jay-z, luda, sasha fierce aka beyonce aka the queen and snoop d-o-double g. i'm just so hip-hop i can't stop myself!

a few days ago my friend told me she has "inappropriate" dreams involving usher on a regular basis. she just earned like a million points in my book. a. for having them b. for telling me she has them.

i'll fully admit to low class taste in music. dunnit en matta. (thanks carla) or maybe just sporadic taste in music, i switched out best of bob dylan for word of mouf yesterday.

never say neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

in honor of valentines day i decided to post part one of our love story. i think it's a good idea to write down the details because i'm getting old and can't remember stuff. without further ado-

lando & kate - part one:

i was a silly 14 year old girl with short messy hair and a pink flower bobby-pinned in. i was spending the weekend with my friend in the valley and we made a quick errand to her aunts house. i was sitting on the couch facing the backdoor when it slowly opened and in he walked. he was wearing dirty work clothes and an old gray hat. without looking at anyone he silently walked across the room and up the stairs and only stopped when his mom said "well aren't you going to say hi to these girls?" he paused. looked right at me. and grumbled a quiet "hey" paired with the ever-present, ever-cool head nod and walked up the stairs. of course i thought he was cute, i was 14 he was 17, what 14 year old seriously-boy-crazy girl doesn't think a 17 year old strong-silent-type boy is cute? 20 minutes later he walked back down the stairs, showered and changed into shorts, black socks, a band tee and a new gray hat and walked about the door. he was cool.

fast forward to 4 years later and enter my first day of "singles ward" oh, singles ward. as if your not awkward enough, i was walking past a door when it flew open, hit me and almost knocked me down. the culprits: dayton, doug and pete. they became instant friends with me and my roommates and we had them over for dinner and games and movies at least a couple times week. a few weeks later dayton came over with a friend from high school who had just gotten home from his mission the day prior. he walked in and i instantly noticed him because, quite frankly, he was tall. then i noticed his cute blond hair and his cute big ears. we went swimming with friends and i tried to flirt. (something i thought i was pretty good at) but he did not seem interested. not. at. all. he wasn't even giving me the time of day. at the end of the night i told my room-mates he's really cute, but not into me.

and that's how we met. twice.

this is what i looked like when we met: 
(me with my best-friend/roommates. oh, and we totally had our first make-out on that couch, so it has a special place in my heart...)

this is what lando looked like:
(so cool, right?)

cress creek

since i can't be sitting around a campfire wearing a hippie headband- a winter hike sufficed. the weather was perfect today! we were so excited when ty and ali called to see if we wanted to join because, like i've said before, ty knows the coolest places around here, we get some dog-time via bowser, and we've been itching to get outdoors. every time we get together with them we end up planning some elaborate trip but guys, i'm serious about 311 on 3-11 and zions park.

wonky nose

right this very second i wish i was sitting around a campfire wearing flannel, a hippie headband and unwashed hair or having a party on a pretty patio with twinkling lights and warm weather in a summer dress.... or just sleeping.

but instead i'm making prints of quotes i've always wanted hanging and editing photos for our new little place (that i'll probably never end up printing) because we move in two weeks! does that mean february is almost half way over? cra-a-zy.

happy weeks-end!

shoessssss

i'm at work for 8 hours a day. during those 8 hours i stand all but 15 minutes of it. just stand... in one place... it's weird...i'm sore from standing!...and when i get home my little (big) feet hurt! i've been wearing my gap city-flats and i need more support (what am i, 80?) so i'm expecting everyone to send me links to their magical shoes that are cute and comfy... actually at this point, cuteness is just bonus points.
please and thank you.

stupid tall

^brandilyn - mallory (or hanna if that's what you think) - and me in all my round-faced glory.

i had dinner with these two lovely ladies last night, it was delightful and much needed. we talked about what you always talk about at girls night : blogging and babies. well, that + drink lots of diet coke (and maybe even stay until they tell you their closing, but that's only when girls night is going really well.)

please don't talk over me

i have self-diagnosed anxiety. but it's more like sporadic anxiety, it doesn't show up all the time but when it does... watch out. confrontation gives me anxiety, like sweaty-hand-dizzy anxiety. i'm so emotionally driven that when confrontation arises i always say things i don't mean, so i avoid it at all costs. but confrontation snuck in last week and i tried really hard to stay professional and i think i did okay. it confuses me when adults don't act like adults... in adult situations (cause let's be honest, that's the only time when i act like one) when my house is dirty i get anxiety. like mean-frustrated-anxiety and i just need to turn on some music and clean. or run. lando's learned.

so that equals like 4% of my life, add 2% for when i just feel like being grumpy, so the other 94% i'd say i'm pretty happy. i've got lots to be happy for- confrontation and messy houses aside. for instance, yesterday my dinner turned out bombtastic (yep) and lan told me my hair looked "long and golden." hahaha, his compliments are dah bes.

i would like these shoes and this purse, please.

beth finds the palace beautiful

this headband is one of the 2 pink pieces i own. here's the thing- i'm not a huge pink fan but i've been told multiple times that it's "my color." with pink feeling so entitled i figured i'd try to work a few pieces in here and there. problem #2- what am i ever going to do with a baby girl?!

i'm almost done with "little women." oh how i love this book, movie, musical and all things little women. it's been years since i've read the book and i'd forgotten how young it is. in fact i had to go to the young adult section of the library to find it. here is my theory for "little women" we have meg, jo, beth and amy.

"Margaret, the eldest of the four, was sixteen, and very pretty, being plump and fair, with large eyes, plenty of soft brown hair, a sweet mouth, and white hands, of which she was rather vain. Fifteen-year-old Jo was very tall, thin, and brown, and reminded one of a colt, for she never seemed to know what to do with her long limbs, which were very much in her way. She had a decided mouth, a comical nose, and sharp, gray eyes, which appeared to see everything, and were by turns fierce, funny, or thoughtful. Her long, thick hair was her one beauty, but it was usually bundled into a net, to be out of her way. Round shoulders had Jo, big hands and feet, a fly-away look to her clothes, and the uncomfortable appearance of a girl who was rapidly shooting up into a woman and didn't like it. Elizabeth, or Beth, as everyone called her, was a rosy, smooth-haired, bright-eyed girl of thirteen, with a shy manner, a timid voice, and a peaceful expression which was seldom disturbed. Her father called her `Little Miss Tranquility', and the name suited her excellently, for she seemed to live in a happy world of her own, only venturing out to meet the few whom she trusted and loved. Amy, though the youngest, was a most important person, in her own opinion at least. A regular snow maiden, with blue eyes, and yellow hair curling on her shoulders, pale and slender, and always carrying herself like a young lady mindful of her manners. What the characters of the four sisters were we will leave to be found out."

i started to wonder which sister i was most like and i realized i think there is a little bit of all of them in me and in every girl and thats part of the reason this book is so beautiful. and the reason why every girl needs to read it.