i always start to talk (er, type) about this on my blog, but i always pause before i press publish because i'm embarrassed i'm sharing too much information, being to emotional, or worried it sounds like i'm out for sympathy. it's my blog though right? right. it's a word that still hard for me to say out loud and when i do i try really hard to keep the tears from coming.
i don't even like to type it. i've had a few posts about it here and there but they fail in comparison to how often i think about it. every single day. i had someone tell me that women who have miscarriages need to "get over it." i'm not sure i'll ever get over it. maybe when i find out i'm pregnant again, maybe when i'm past the 12 weeks, maybe when i hold my baby, maybe never. and probably never. every week is a reminder of where i would have been, 24 weeks today, crazy. when i went to the doctor they weren't sure if i was going to miscarry yet and he said to wait it out. those few days were filled with up's and down's like i'd never known. i either felt completely hopeful or completely devastated. thinking of the emotional and physical pain (no one tells you about that part) i felt those few long days makes my stomach hurt. because i can remember those feelings so strongly i know it'll be a long time before i "get over it." but enough with that and onto another word.
that word fills me with so much hope and so much excitement and so much wonder. going through this has made the need for a baby so much different. i don't feel anxious or impatient, just hopeful and excited. okay maybe a little bit impatient because let's be honest- a lines baby will be fly.