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23.2.11

postcards from far away

i always start to talk (er, type) about this on my blog, but i always pause before i press publish because i'm embarrassed i'm sharing too much information, being to emotional, or worried it sounds like i'm out for sympathy. it's my blog though right? right. it's a word that still hard for me to say out loud and when i do i try really hard to keep the tears from coming.

miscarriage.

i don't even like to type it. i've had a few posts about it here and there but they fail in comparison to how often i think about it. every single day. i had someone tell me that women who have miscarriages need to "get over it." i'm not sure i'll ever get over it. maybe when i find out i'm pregnant again, maybe when i'm past the 12 weeks, maybe when i hold my baby, maybe never. and probably never. every week is a reminder of where i would have been, 24 weeks today, crazy. when i went to the doctor they weren't sure if i was going to miscarry yet and he said to wait it out. those few days were filled with up's and down's like i'd never known. i either felt completely hopeful or completely devastated. thinking of the emotional and physical pain (no one tells you about that part) i felt those few long days makes my stomach hurt. because i can remember those feelings so strongly i know it'll be a long time before i "get over it." but enough with that and onto another word.

baby.

that word fills me with so much hope and so much excitement and so much wonder. going through this has made the need for a baby so much different. i don't feel anxious or impatient, just hopeful and excited. okay maybe a little bit impatient because let's be honest- a lines baby will be fly.

23 comments:

brandilyn said...

oh, kate! i love you so much. i'm so excited for you guys to be parents when the time is right. these impossible things you go through are what will eventually make you the best, strongest momma EVER...but i know hearing that doesn't make it any easier. you're 100% right, though--baby lines WILL be fly!

mindy said...

kate- anyone who says "get over it" obviously hasnt been through it. its life changing. it makes your heart hurt and something that will always be part of who you are. His plan is confusing, and hard to understand. and sometimes just getting through it, still in one piece, is all he expects. you are amazing kate and so so strong. i look up to you!!

love you

jill s said...

the pain does get easier.
but honestly...my miscarriage happened during my first pregnancy too. and there were sooooo many attachments to that. i'll never forget how i felt. and i would say i probably think about it once a week at least and it's been 7 1/2 years. i did a couple of scrapbook pages to document all the cards of congratulations and then the sympathy cards. and documented my emotions. it really helped.

just be patient with yourself.

sending hugs from michigan.

(i hope that made sense...it's late. but i wanted you to know you're not alone!)

Mallory Camille said...

I would love to tell those people to can it. Anyway, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this sensitive experience. I will always remember your beautiful perspective...
a lines baby will more than fly, like stellar fly.

The Webbs said...

i know i talk to you about this like way too much but i love ya and you are so strong.

kate, you and landon will have the cutest little babes ever. cant wait to kiss baby lines cheeks. i dont blame you for being impatient, you deserve to feel that way. love ya kate, your the best.

Molli and Tyler said...

Oh Kate. I had a good cry reading this because I have the exact same feelings. My friend in the ward had the same due date as me and we're both in young women's so I see her at least twice a week. It's a constant reminder. I'm totally happy for her, but it's still so hard. She told me tonight that she's been having contractions and that it could be any day now. It's painful to hear. I WOULD HAVE been having a baby within weeks, or days. I know I shouldn't think that way, but it's like impossible not to.
And I second what Mindy said about the people who supply the "get over it" comments. They DO NOT understand. I've gotten those comments too and they hurt. Just know that you're loved and that you're not alone. We're both gonna have babies someday soon and they're gonna be ridiculously cute. :)

Traci Butler said...

I remember how totally jipped I felt leaving the hospital and knowing my baby was gone (remember how I told you I yelled at the Wendy's lady on our way home?). No one tells you about the physical pain, and no one can express the deep emotional pain you feel after a miscarriage. And to be honest, even two babies later, if I go back to the memories of the day I miscarried and all the hurt and pain, I can still feel it clear as the day it happened, but the great part is that one day you will be a wonderful little mommy to a perfect little baby and those painful memories won't hurt so much because the emptyness will be filled.

I just wish I had the magic word to make that exciting day NOW!!

communikate. said...

loss of any magnitude is hard, and something that I don't think (nor should we) we ever "get over."

You keep sharing your thoughts lady. We're all here for you and love you!

Megs said...

I am so sorry you had to experience such a horrible loss! Thank you for sharing your experience with us so we can all understand a little more. You are an AMAZING person!

And a Lines baby will be fly! :)

lauren said...

my heart goes out to you today. and everyday. it aches for you. i don't know if you will ever forget the pain, but i do believe that when you do hold that little lines baby in your arms, it will all be worth it. you will love that baby, and all babies that come after it, more than your heart can imagine.
and yes. its okay to be incredibly impatient. i can't wait to see cute baby lines!

Lynn {hearted girl} said...

oh kate, this has touched me deeply and sounds so very intense for you right now. i read this and cringed at the familiar feeling, 1st "should i or shouldn't i post this" but then more so about the loss and pain.

i really empathize with you and have been through a similar circumstance. not sure if it will ever happen for us naturally, even went to an adoption 101 course last year to find out about what that entails. interesting info for sure.

everything's a process, i wish you peaceful time and blue skies to gaze up at while working though everything. ♥

Mandy said...

I think blogging is for honesty. Thank you for your lesson on hope and optimism.

Chelsea said...

I agree, I don't think its something you are supposed to 'get over'. Just like any loss, we have to find a new normal. It's just so hard to understand why these things happen. That would be so hard thinking about every week and how far along you 'would' be now. SO hard. I think about you often and hope you have good news soon! xo

chelsea :: stock said...

keep recomposing this comment.

wish I knew what to day. all I can think of, is that good things are always possible.

and a lines baby would be supah supah fly.


looooove chelsea

angela hardison said...

hugs, kate. it will happen (for both of us!) in good time.

Bekah: said...

Dear Kate,

I think you are amazing. But you already know that. I love what Jill S said, "be patient with yourself"

I want this for you so badly that it hurts. You will be an incredible Momma.

Love you.

Jaime S. said...

i want it so bad for you too. it's not fair that it comes for some sooner than others.
i think the loss of a child is the hardest loss ever. no matter what stage of development that child was in. now that i am a mother i often think of your parents loosing their first born so soon and g'ma and g'pa loosing Janet at such a young age. The ache must be something unbearable.
it's o.k. to hurt.
love ya and praying that your womb will be filled soon.

mad white woman said...

i didn't know this little blog existed. cute header, so the content must be good. ;)

i think everyone heals differently, but one thing is sure, it takes time. and i definitely don't consider healing getting over it. they are different for sure. i miscarried in between my girlies and it was only in the late stages of my last pregnancy that i could openly talk about it without feeling sad. even still, reflecting on the week leading up to it and the few months that followed, is just a reminder of how dark that time of my life was. i think the only thing that kept me from falling into a deeper depression was clara. i distinctly remember thinking how much harder it would have been had it been my first pregnancy.

robin said...

i can't believe someone would say 'get over it'. that is horrible.

it will happen and you will rock.

Ashlee's Annals said...

Love you Kate. And yes, a Lines baby will be totally fly. I can't wait for that day.

carla thorup said...

a lines baby will be fly and tall, which is the best type of baby. and how dare someone say to "get over it" when it is not something you could or should get over.

i have many people close to me going thru such emotional and trying times. sending love and support :)

R A C H A E L said...

A Lines baby will be fly.


And you will be a wonderful mother.


And don't let anyone make you feel like it isn't okay to hurt. I don't think a hurt like that ever really, completely heals.

Sending love, prayers, and pregnancy vibes your way-

Malia said...

You are going to be such a graceful mother, Kate.
I'm excited to see your beautiful future babies.

People forget that our life is our own journey to experience, to grow in. We don't need to share cookie cutter experiences and shouldn't encourage people to "get over" anything, except in their own time.