happy christmas!

we had a little bon voyage party for the pingels tonight. we'll miss them.

all is bright

i told my sister last week that baby hunger was back with a vengeance... and it is. before- i really wanted a baby yet it seemed out of reach because it was never real, never tangible. then i was pregnant and i had the promise of a summer baby. after- i ache for a baby and there will be a small hole in my heart until i hold mine in my arms. i've heard mothers say they love their children so much it hurts. i love the idea of a child so much it hurts. during and two weeks following my misscarriage my emotions were... all over the place. for a few days i was devastated, for a few days i was mad, for a few days i felt like my chance to ever have a baby was over, for a few days i felt scared to death about the idea of having kids. i realized in a moment you really can't change you feel. i knew it was irrational and i knew the feelings wouldn't last but for a few days they did. and now those feelings are gone and replaced with a need for something i had a small idea of. i know it's common and i know i'm young. but all the statistics or years in the world wouldn't have prepared me for it. and it would never prepare me for motherhood. but i think my want for motherhood is all the preparation i need.

big hair + lots of makeup + 3 pairs of dance shoes = a show. more specifically, white christmas. tonight was closing night and you can bet i bawled my eyes out when the curtain dropped. the playmill cast was my family when i needed them this semester - i wore some amazing costumes -the musical kept me busy when i needed to be pre-occupied - i made some unbelievable friends. the best part (still and always) is coming home to landon asleep on the couch because he tried to wait up for me. i love you more, lando.